


Chopper vs. the Angry Soulmate Goose

by bedlamsbard, isweedan, reena_jenkins



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Collaboration, F/M, Fix-It, Goose-typical violence, Notfic, Podfic, Podfication 2019, The Soulmate Goose, au for season 4, everyone go home - this is the single best thing i will ever contribute to star wars fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-13 14:50:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21496054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedlamsbard/pseuds/bedlamsbard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/isweedan/pseuds/isweedan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins
Summary: I just had an idea: the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement…….plus Star Wars. Your soulmate could be on another planet - you know how it’s gonna get you there? By being an Angry Goose, trapped in your ship! You CANNOT ESCAPE.A Star Wars: Rebels twitter notficWritten by bedlamsbard & reena_jenkinsRead by isweedan & reena_jenkins
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 22
Kudos: 100
Collections: Podfication 2019





	Chopper vs. the Angry Soulmate Goose

**Coverartist:** reena_jenkins

**Length:** 00:14:30

[**MOBILE STRE**AMING LINK | 17.8 MB](https://reena.parakaproductions.com/podfics/\(SW\)%20_Chopper%20VS%20The%20Angry%20Soulmate%20Goose_.mp3)

[ **DOWNLOAD MP3 (RIGHT-CLICK, SAVE-AS)** ](https://reena.parakaproductions.com/podfics/\(SW\)%20_Chopper%20VS%20The%20Angry%20Soulmate%20Goose_.mp3)

**i just had the MOST GLORIOUS IDEA EVER and i was too pumped to write it down so here, have a minute of audio**

**[ goose audio:**

**I just had an idea: the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement…….plus Star Wars. Your soulmate could be on another planet - you know how it’s gonna get you there? By being an Angry Goose, trapped in your ship! You CANNOT ESCAPE. **

**It is an Angry Goose IN THE VENTS. It is an Angry Goose IN THE ‘FRESHER. It is an Angry Goose, pecking at your knees while you try to….update the navcomputer. **

**I AM SO PLEASED WITH THIS IDEA.**

**Like, I don’t even know who the soulmates would be, just the idea of tHE ANGRIEST GOOSE.**

**Oh no - what if it’s early days Hera? And the Angry Goose shows up and it’s try to get her to find Kanan on, uh, fuckit what’s the name of the planet in New Dawn? BUT ACTUALLY ……THE ANGRY GOOSE. GETS IN A FIGHT WITH CHOPPER. OVER WHO COULD BE THE ANGRIEST.**

**Chopper has extra arms for slapping, but geese have SERRATED TONGUES.**

**This is beautiful.**

**I’m so proud of this.**

**This might be my one, defining moment of Star Wars fandom: Chopper Versus The Angry Goose. ]**

OMG  
YES

**ANGRY  
** **GOOSE**  
**IN THE VENTS**  
**angry goose HAS MET HIS MATCH**  
**CHOPPER WILL NOT STAND FOR SOME OTHER BEING**  
**FLAPPING AROUND**  
**BEING MORE ANGRY THAN CHOPPER IS**  
**only chopper is allowed to crash into hera's legs repeatedly for no real reason**  
**not this fowl imposter**

oh my god poor Hera  
Hera is in hell  
hell is full of flying feathers  
and screaming

**ahahahahahahahaahaha YES  
** **and then she gets to gorse**  
**and she FINALLY meets kanan**  
**and the goose calms down**  
**and hera's like, THIS ASSHOLE???**  
**because early days kanan is not so good at first impressions**  
**and hera possibly tries to blaster the goose AND chopper**

Hera is done! Done!  
a Goose on Gorse

**amazing  
** **goose feathers in the lounge**  
**goose poop in the halls**

noooooooo poor Hera!

**do geese smell a certain way? because goose stink is probably not something the air filters have to deal with very often**

OH NO

**spontaneous generation of soulmate-enforicng geese as a side effect of hyperspace travel  
** **they tell you to watch out for the purrgils**  
**they never mention the goose**

oh no I guess Kanan and Hera are just going to have to make out to get the goose to vanish  
tragic  
does Hera KNOW it is a soulmate enforcing goose or just a goose?

**HERA DOESN'T KNOW  
** **hera is just like**  
**what did i ever do so wrong in my life**  
**why am i suffering from a goose AND a chopper**

are...are the goose a Force secret only the Jedi know.

**I LIKE THAT  
** **the only time it stops trying to bite through her flight suit is when she's within arm's distance of kanan**  
**so hera's using kanan as a meat shield to protect from the goose******

Kanan Knows That Goose (but only from legends)

** ** **and kanan's like OH NO MASTER BILABA WAS RIGHT** ** **

on the bright side Kanan has it bad for Hera from Day One  
on the other hand "the goose thinks we're soulmates" is actually not a good pickup line.

**** **** **of all the things that make kanan re-accept his jedi-ness, he didn't expect a GOOSE  
** **how would you even say that, in ANY kind of smooth manner**  
**like**  
**wasn't kanan working in a bar?**  
**the goose stalking his work hours is a health code violation**

**** to be fair Kanan says sadly to Hera, "I do jobs!"**  
** Kanan was working as an explosives hauler and occasionally moonlighting as a bartender.  
to be fair I think that bar was a health code violation  
are there health codes in Star Wars

** ** **nope  
nor are there osha regulations of any kind** ** **

"maybe if we make out the goose will go away!" is not going to please Hera.  
Hera Has A Job To Do, Thank You.

** ** **noooooooo kanan TRY HARDER  
:D :D :D** ** **

Hera tries to make the goose peck Kanan! it obviously likes him! stay with him!

** ** **and of course, chopper is still trying to prove that he is The Most Irritating Being in hera's life  
hera is basically shoving kanan into the goose's path** ** **

oh no you know how in AND Kanan flirts with Rae Sloane

** ** **yes....** ** **

what if Kanan flirting with Rae Sloane is what sets the goose on him.

** ** **YES PLZ** ** **

the goose will not stand for this!

** ** **the goose has STANDARDS, kanan  
this whole book is a series of near-misses, from the goose's perspective** ** **

**** finally Hera can know peace watching the goose attack Kanan while the Imperials laugh at him.**  
** for five whole minutes until the Imps finally get bored and leave.  
and then the goose is like "did you get the message? will you kiss the girl now?"

**** **** **ohhhhhhhh yes  
** **that is a glorious mental image**  
**hera and kanan keep Not Kissing**  
**ALSO**  
**kanan having a crisis over how to explain the Jedi Importance of the Soulmate Goose to hera**  
**without mentioning soulmates or jedi**

**** "I know how to make the goose go away but you're not going to like it."**  
** Hera does not like it.  
oh no what if the goose will only briefly go away if they make out but if they don't KEEP making out the goose will COME BACK.  
BE IN LOVE, DAMN IT.

**** **** **it's the goose of ENFORECMENT  
** **It has to Enforce**  
**hera thinks she's goose-proofed the ghost AND YET**  
**(the recurring goose appearance is GLORIOUS, this is Next Level Soulmate Goose)**

the Ghoost

** ** **THE GOOSE TAKES TO FLAPPING UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAY  
HERA AND KANAN ARE TRAPPED IN THE SAME BEDROOM** ** **

BE IN LOVE, DAMN IT.  
/screams the goose

** ** **the ghoost is my new favorite** ** **

Chopper tries to space the goose

** ** **of course he does** ** **

they're in space! where is the goose coming from!

** ** **the goose doesn't have a hyperdrive. it can travel faster than light powered by pure spite** ** **

Hera is just so confused and Kanan is trying to explain it to her in a way that doesn't make him sound like he just wants to get into her pants.  
I mean, he does want to get into her pants, but he doesn't want her to sleep with him because goose.

**** **** **also, one day they're gonna have to tell this story to someone as their meetcute. the phrase BECAUSE GOOSE will feature heavily  
** **he wants hera to want HIM**  
**kanan needs to do the wooing montage**  
**and it's REALLY HARD when a goose keeps whacking you in the kneecaps**

he tries to have a Serious Conversation with the goose  
geese are not romantic! he wants to be romantic!

**** **** **(10 years later, ezra keeps the shinguard on because the goose is sTILL popping by unanounced)  
** **kanan's life has met a new low**  
**he never expected to be crouched in a maintenance closet, having a serious conversation with a goose**

(Hera Is Harassed By The Goose Into Making A Declaration when she's trying to run a rebellion here)

** ** **and the goose is EYEING kanan  
like he'd make a good snack** ** **

**** (oh...no. I just made myself sad.)**  
** (after certain...events...the goose does not reappear.)  
NOPE GO BACK TO MEAN GOOSE TIME

**** **** **FIX-IT POWERS OF THE GOOSE. THE GOOSE SHOWS UP ON TOP OF THE BOOM SCENE AND KNOCKS KANAN OUT OF THE WAY SO HE'S FINE  
** **HERA KINDA MOURNS THE GOOSE?**  
**BUT THEN THE NEXT TIME THEY ENTER HYPERSPACE, THE GOOSE COMES SCREAMING OUT OF THE FRESHER**  
**AND EVERYONE IS GLAD TO BE HARASSED BY THE GOOSE AGAIN**

THE GOOSE WILL NOT ALLOW KANAN TO DIE  
oh no goose v. loth-wolf showdown

** ** **even lothwolves are respectfully afraid of the goose** ** **

The Goose Enters The World Between Worlds  
the goose vs. morai

** ** **ahahahahaahahhaahh** ** **

Ahsoka: "you can't save your ma --"

** ** **the goose just FLYING THROUGH THE PORTAL  
BOAM** ** **

THE GHOOSE: FLIES DIRECTLY INTO THE PORTAL

** ** **GOOSE TIME** ** **

Ezra: "we don't argue with the goose."

**** **** **the dramatic "kanan's last sight" thing, except it's THE GOOSE WE SEE REFLECTED IN KANAN'S EYES  
** **and then safety, et ectera**  
**Ezra: i thought kanan said the goose was a jedi thing. shouldn't you know this?**

Ahsoka, panicked: THE GOOSE ISN'T REAL  
except she probably saw A Goose being really mad at Anakin and Obi-Wan and Padme sometimes.

** ** **ahahahaha YES SHE DID** ** **

Hera hugs the goose  
oh god Jacen raised by goose.

**** **** **Jacen: where do babies come from?  
** **kanan: well, sometimes when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…..**  
**hera: a goose parks itself in the hallway outside their cabin for three days straight, and mommy and daddy have to eat the stale ration bars under mommy’s bunk.**

**** oh god what did the goose do to chopper that he couldn't rescue them!**  
** did the goose space Chopper and Chopper has been rocketing after the Ghost trying to catch up  
Kanan, yelling at the goose through the door: "THIS ISN'T ROMANTIC!"

**** **** **Orrrrr is it possible  
** **that at this point in the multiple years of the goose showing up**  
**that chopper and the goose have TEAMED UP**

**** OH NO**  
** it's too bad they can't weaponize the goose against the empire!  
*horrified pause while they both consider who would be Palpatine's soulmate*

** ** **oh lordy  
although it DOES make a good distraction for stormtroopers** ** **

Hera picking up the goose and hurling it towards the stormtroopers before grabbing Kanan's hand and skedaddling

** ** **ahahahahahhahahahahhaha YEET THE GOOSE** ** **

the goose staying gone for a bit is how they actually start making out. a desperate "I guess we're alive! and the goose is gone!" kiss.

**** **** **and of course, just as hera & kanan let their guard down long enough to get to the heavy petting stage  
** **there's a loud HONNNNK from the vent above the bed**  
**ceilinggoose is always watching**

GOOSE THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF YOUR JOB

** ** **goose is doing Too Good of a job** ** **

"lie back and think of the goose" is not what Hera wants to hear at any time.  
goose night.

**** **** **my face hurts from smiling  
** **this is amazing**  
**HONK**

:D  
HONK

** **[the end]** **


End file.
